4 Signs that Pride is Sabotaging Your Relationships
“Oh, I just love admitting to all of my mistakes and giving my ego a real wake-up call. It feels really refreshing and exciting.” SAID NO ONE EVER.
Okay, admitting to jealousy, fear or pride is never fun, but I have to say, it sure is freeing. I remember it like it was yesterday, the day I found a ton of pride camping out in my heart. This wasn’t the first time I had ever found pride residing there, it was just one of the most confrontational moments. Let me tell you why. There I was, internally blaming my ex-boyfriend for the way I felt and the loss I had experienced. It was so much easier to make my heartbreak all his fault because it made me feel good about myself and my choices. My ego felt secure when all blame was pointed at him because, after all, he was the one with the issues…or so I thought. My pride wasn’t doing it’s job though, because even as I placed the blame on him, I still wasn’t content or moving on.
I don’t love being confronted, but I do love the fruit of it. Oftentimes, I find I am confronted by lyrics of songs or meanings behind movies. This was one of those times. I had just finished up a conversation with one of my friends which turned into more of a venting session about my ex. As I realized this venting session wasn’t conducive, we quickly shifted into a new conversation. I started playing with her daughter and randomly singing “Crazy” by Gnarls Berkley.
And when you’re out there, without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much
Suddenly the lyrics of this song hit me in an unexpected way. I realized I stopped having grace for my ex-boyfriend’s humanity because I was seeing too much. I was getting to see his not-so-great side and it was shocking me to my core. So much so that I couldn’t reconcile who I knew this man to truly be with who I had recently been experiencing him as. Like the lyrics say, it was almost as if I had seen his true colors and knew too much that I could no longer find compassion for him. Instead of humility, I chose criticism to protect myself from the blows I was receiving from him. I couldn’t see how much pain he might be in because I was so consumed by my own. As I walked out of my friend’s house singing it for the 10th time, something about those lyrics stopped me dead in my tracks and made space to hear the thought that came next: this is pride, Jamie.
I realized the thought was attached to the previous venting session. Yes, I was sharing heavy emotions with someone who knew my venting was me verbally processing my pain, but I had become a victim to my circumstances. I’d become so wrapped up in why I was upset with him, that I had forgotten to own my piece of the heartbreak. Regardless of the details of how our relationship unfolded, I knew there were parts I could own that had contributed to the sudden end. As I did, I could feel the release of pain and negative emotions that resided in my heart. I had begged the Lord to deliver me of those debilitating feelings that weighed me down, but He had something else in mind. It was a process that forced me to look head-on at my pride and decide if I wanted to be “the emotionally healthy girl that was right” or if I wanted to choose connection with this person I once cared so deeply for. That day, I shared with a friend all that I had been holding onto. I shared the pain, bitterness, resentment and hurt I felt and then chose to let it go. It was in the release of these things that invited compassion for this man. It flooded my heart with kindness and understanding towards him to think he was just as hurt and confused as I was. I was left shocked. So, if you’ve experienced this wild thing called pride, I promise that there is clarity, compassion and freedom on the other side of letting go of it.
Wondering if you’re being influenced by pride in your relationships?
Here are four signs that you just might be and hope for change.
-You make your triggers about others: You think it must be about them rather than the pain that the 14 year old child inside of you never found healing for. You think they are the problem and not your un-dealt with wounds and insecurities.
-You become powerless in situations: You victimize yourself and blame outcomes on other people. You have trouble taking ownership for your mistakes in the mess that has been made.
-You use your childhood conditioning to protect yourself: You use strategies you learned in your family, such as, humor to deflect pain, the silent treatment to push people away or punish them in other hurtful ways.
-You judge the way others are choosing to cope: Your ego has to be right about the appropriate way to handle situations. Your way of doing things becomes more important than having connection with the other person.
So where do we go from here?
You should know there is SO much hope here! No one has to stay stuck in pride. Perhaps it will come up and convince you it can protect you, but it’s “protection” is a counterfeit. Even though it may find you from time to time, you can become aware when you’re operating out of pride and fear rather than love. Stop assuming that pride will keep you safe. It won’t. It is destructive and meant for tearing things apart. Choose humility and connection over needing to be seen as right and as the “healthier” person in the relationship. When pride rears its ugly head, stop and take time to uncover where it’s coming from and why. There is no reason to feel shame when pride appears, there is only opportunity to discover more about your past pain and conditioning that you’ve created over time, to protect yourself. Take these four warning signs and start to peel back the layers of where you learn to operate in pride and why you think you have to protect yourself. When you put your pride aside and come into a relationship low (teachable and willing to learn, grow and own your mistakes), you may be surprised how much it will enhance and benefit the connections you hold so dearly. Stay soft, stay tender and let Love be your most trusted motivation.
