How to Stop Overthinking in Relationships
He wouldn’t hold my hand. I knew he wanted to and he knew he had permission, but still something was stopping him. So my mind went swirly and came up with fifty reasons as to why there was something wrong with me or why I shouldn’t want him to hold my hand. Turns out, he was just nervous. What seemed like a small gesture to assure me of his affection for me was actually an act of bravery for him. Instead of asking him about it, I became frustrated and gave him the silent treatment. Looking back now, I can see so many moments where I spent over thinking rather than going straight to the source — going straight to him and getting to know the person in front of me.
Whether we are aware of it or not, we are constantly telling ourselves a story in our minds. We are incredibly creative beings and have an imagination that can come up with extraordinary things. Although this is such a gift, it can become a burden when we allow the creative story to become a negative one. In relationships, it is easy to make up stories about what we think is happening. The guessing game of what may or may not be happening in our partner’s mind or within our relationship can cause stress and anxiety. On one hand, distracting ourselves and pretending like the thought doesn’t exist only adds to the anxiety, and on the other hand, overthinking can cause unnecessary stress. Relationships should be fun and thrilling as we uncover more about our partner and about ourselves! It took time, energy and hard conversations to figure out the reasons I chose to over think rather than seek to understand, so I thought I would share some of my mistakes that turned into education. As you dive deeper into intimacy with someone, instead of guessing what is going on, here is my biggest DO and biggest DON’T for connecting intentionally and writing a positive and honest story about your relationship.
DON’T make assumptions: Assumptions can be one of the biggest killers of relationships and can happen at any phase. It is when we stop asking questions and start deciding things for ourselves based on what we deem as evidence to back up the assumption we have. Assumptions can sound like, “well I just thought you wouldn’t want me there, so that’s why I didn’t come” or “I figured you were too busy to process that issue with me.” Our assumptions come from beliefs we have about ourselves, our partner and about relationships in general. When we internalize our assumptions, we create a story, finding evidence for the very thing we believe. When that belief is negative, our mind will go to work to prove that our assumption was right. You’ll hear thoughts like, “see, he said he had so much fun at the event, even though you weren’t there. It’s true, he didn’t want you there.” The impact of assumptions lead to unmet expectations, dishonesty about your true feelings and underlying resentment. Assumptions leave no room for exploration of one another and they lead to the stress and anxiety that comes with the guessing game. You’ll spend the majority of your time and headspace attempting to figure out your partner on your own, hoping you get it right.
DO ask questions: Although asking your partner questions sounds like a no-brainer, it can be easy to forget how profound this strategy is. As we get into a rhythm with our partner, we can stop asking one another questions and instead create a story of what we think is going on, based on both our history and on their patterns. We assume. The trouble with this is that we as humans are constantly changing and growing, so it is really important to continue to get to know the other person. You will never fully know them, so continue to pursue them through questions. Questions invite someone to be known and they communicate a desire to learn. Why do they do the things they do? What makes them come alive in this season? What feels exciting to them right now? The answers to your questions can reveal more about your partner, or they can cause them to become aware of something inside of them they didn’t even know existed.
Questions are also relevant to revealing at what stage your relationship is at. The questions you ask your partner to get to know them are different than the ones you ask to find out how they’re experiencing your connection. I like to call questions pertaining to your relationship, check-ins. This could sound like, how do you think we are doing? Do you feel like we are connected? How could we pursue each other more in this season? Just like our internal world is constantly changing, so is our external world. Our situations change, our seasons change and so many other factors play into this. The answers to these questions may be entirely different today than when you asked weeks ago. It is important to have weekly or monthly check-ins, as a way to stay connected so that you both remain on the same page and keep from unnecessary overthinking. Successful relationships require both questions directed at getting to know your partner and questions getting to know your relationship. They invite understanding and clarity into your connection.
So as it turns out, I was the queen at making assumptions in my relationships. I made assumptions about the lack of hand holding rather than seeking to understand where my partner was coming from and why. When the silent treatment lost its glow, I finally decided to ask a few questions. When he felt invited, rather than accused, he let me in on his journey with what I had thought was a seemingly simple gesture. It’s so much less about the gesture and so much more about the internal world and the history that our partner holds. So please, don’t give up on that person. Stop overthinking and just ask them some questions. They are worth knowing.
