Ownership is Stewardship
Ownership is the state of possessing something. Wars are often fought over who has ownership of land. It’s pretty similar in relationships — we fight when there is a lack of ownership, but in this case, we want others to possess ownership so that we feel loved and cared for.
Almost 10/10 times, when someone takes ownership for their mess, their hurtful actions, or their out of character behavior, it causes me to want to come in low and soft to hear them out. Can you relate?
War doesn’t start over a disagreement, it starts when the opposite of ownership shows up.
Blame. Ooh, the blame game is usually one of defense, attempting to protect something we think we might lose. Validation, respect, power, admiration, love — these are just a few things we fear losing if we own up to our end of anything. In addition, blame is almost always linked to shame, meaning that there is part of us that we think could be perceived as ugly, unacceptable, and even, dun dun dun….unlovable. You can understand that if the fear is that there is something to lose, of course, wars, battles, and fights would break out over this.
In reality, when we show the true, raw, and most real parts of us that we are afraid to reveal, we show up honestly and there are few things more attractive than honesty.
There are so many elements to ownership but let’s talk about ownership when it comes to intimate relationships in your life that you want to keep and that you want to help thrive.
I am a lover of sarcasm. I grew up around it and adopted it as my own. I thought everyone loved sarcasm because in my family it was a way of bonding and saying “I love you” without actually having to be vulnerable enough to say it. I had even used it inside of my other friendships as a form of connection and thought it worked pretty well. It wasn’t until one of my friends bravely confronted me on my constant use of sarcasm that I suddenly realized, it did not hit everyone in a positive way. Yikes! I was so tempted to feel ashamed and even embarrassed that I had been using this almost as a tool to connect with people when in reality it was a cop-out for building REAL intimacy in my relationships. Oooof.
Okay, it was at this moment I felt the desire to defend my honor and even my family legacy of sarcasm! Prideful thoughts running through my mind gave me a full reason to believe this friend was just “sensitive” or couldn’t handle me. My other friends accepted my sarcasm, so maybe something was just wrong with her. These accusations and assumptions are usually how I know I am going straight for the blame game. I knew it would have been easy to just blow this off and let this friend know this is just the way I am, and they could either deal with it or leave.
But this is where I swallowed my pride and took ownership. You can take ownership of your relationships without giving up who you are. I decided to trade in sarcasm with this friend, for telling her true, genuine things I felt and thought towards them, even if that level of vulnerability made me want to run. You don’t have to change, but sometimes it serves people for us to adjust ourselves for the sake of them feeling safe and connected. If the relationship is worth it to you, it will feel like an honor to meet them halfway, come low and find ways that DO enhance the connection rather than fighting to protect something that isn’t enhancing it.
Is there an area in your relationships where you could take more ownership?
